COPING WITH PROBLEMS THAT CHANGES BRINGS IN A RELATIONSHIP

As with all things under the universe, changes and adjustments are bound to occure, and it's no exception in every relationships. As you look at loving relationships, while it's clear that many will succeed, it's also clear that many are ultimately bound to fail. Typically people and their relationships changes and as this changes sets in, it becomes increasing paramount for partners or lovers to be willing to change in their response patterns towards each other. Often times, differencial prefernce between two people becomes glaring, with time and change to allow for a true, comfortable and fulfilling loving relationship.

Usually when changes sets in, what formally used to be a charming idiosyncrasy might in time become a grating nuisance. What seemed to be a sexual turn on may now become boring and humdrum. At these juncture, both or one of the partners lacks the sincerety, and desire to take the relationship to a higher level of true commitment. For example, a man may not well be motivated or have the desire to father a child at a time when his partner is desperate to have one. If not well handled, such relationship may eventually end up with either one or both choosing to end the affair and the bottom line here is that love holds no guarantees. Thus there is a lesson here to learn; that no matter how much couples or lovers profess love to each other, there is no guarantee that either both or one will not go against their commitment and choose to end the relationship.

Knowing, understanding and feeling good about onesself is very essential before going into a relationship because, to choose to love and enter into a relationship is risking to get hurt. Loving leaves one vulnerable and defenceless. Loving leaves one unprepared for an eventual breakup and how well one soaks up the pains and shock of an aftermath heartbreake is very crucial. Thus, reactions and/or actions that follows before and after the end of a relationship may quite vary with the nature of the breakup. If the final days of a relationship have been characterised with unhappiness, troubles and turmoil, deciding to end the relationship maybe the best and welcome relief. Anger too, an emotional reaction, if well used, represent healthy response that will not lead to depression and self depreciation. Crying too, they say "fixes all situation". Allowing yourself to cry is to truely experience it. Rushing to put the pain of a broken relationship behind you and hurrying to go into another isn't the answer. Grieve and rack the body with sobs so that all the pains and hurt are drained away. Also as the saying goes "time heals all wounds", giving yourself some time is also good. Time gives you the chance to be once more confident and trusting. So take time to learn and forget all the pains and disapoitment. Take time to recognise that losing a love is as much as a part of of life and loving as the joyful experience of falling in love. You will find out that allowing yourself to experience this process and seeking the help and support you need to get through it, you will then be able to put the painful past behind you and get on with life, eventually in a new and better relationship.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? ADOPTION?

The above title is the exact angry outburst of Mr. Anderson. He is frustrated. Reason? His wife have not been able to bear him children. "You? suggesting adopting a child? I can't believe am hearing this from you'', he continued even angrier. "Yes honey, his wife in a shaky voice tries to, without success for the umpteenth time to convince her husband about adoption. "I mean we can simply adop...... "shut up!, shut up I say", Mr. Anderson thundered, cutting his wife shot. "Now listen carefully, it's now clear that you can't give me children and do you know what am going to do?, yes am going to marry another wife who is going to give me children and you?, is definitely leaving this house.

Just like that. Almighty-without-blame Mr. Anderson passed his unfair judgement on his poor wife, worst still, banishing her from the home she has come to accept as her own. How would she take this? Certainly not good because she is already broken with total sense of deep loss. Unfortunately such is the travails of women in Africa and particularly in Nigeria matrimonial homes who can not bear their own kids.

Now talking about adoption; In the Europe and America. Adoption is a beautiful and welcome idea for couples who can't have their own biological chilren. Thus adoption saves the day and pressures are eliminated for these couples, bringing in happiness and ultimately sustaining relationship between husbands and wives. But in Nigeria, adoption is like a lone song being sung by the very few. Yes!, statistic shows that the number of couples who take to adoption as an alterntive means of having their own kids and family are very low. Terribly low are this statistics that the society don't see it and ofcourse no thanks to cultural barriers and unpopular campaign.

However, unless a continous and positive and educative awareness is staged to popularise and vigourously encourage couples to go for adoption, lots of homes and marriage are going to suffer and the poor wives, just like the case of Mrs. Anderson will always be the real loosers. And talking about saving homes and marriages, had it been that adoption had been well poularised, campaigned and councelled in clinics, government agencies and concerned private sector, perhaps maybe the fate that had befallen Mrs. Anderson would not have been. Mr. Anderson perhaps too would not have blastered, thundered and threatened his wife of her home and happiness. So are you out there?, in the same situation as the Anderson's? Please stop asking.... What? Adoption? As if it's a plague, instead embrace it, keep your wife and live happily ever after.